Forgiveness Myths
Posted On: August 18, 2017
I listened quietly as my friend Jamie told me the frank details of the sexual abuse she'd suffered as a child. "I hate my father!" she blurted out. "He abused me for more than a decade!" Jamie cried. "But my pastor said if I want to heal from my childhood pain, I have to forgive."
"What did you tell your pastor?" I asked. "I told him I could never forgive my father, that I didn'twant to forgive him, that no one—not even God—wouldexpect me to forgive him!"
Jamie told me all the reasons that kept her from forgiving her abusive father. I'd heard many of them before. In fact, I'd used some of them two years earlier, when a friend I'd trusted to keep a confidence told several women in my Sunday school class about a painful circumstance I was going through. I felt betrayed by my friend—as I should have.
But forgive her? That was the last thing I wanted to do! I dropped out of the Sunday school class and avoided her at church. But a year later, when I reread what the apostle Paul said about forgiveness, his familiar words touched my heart in a special way: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32, my emphasis).
As I meditated on that verse, I knew I'd been forgiven much. I needed to forgive my friend, even if I didn't feel like it. I decided to do so. Later, when I met her and told her I'd forgiven her, she apologized, and we both cried. I wish I could say she and I became good friends again—but I can't. Her betrayal deeply hurt our friendship, and I was careful never to share another confidence with her. But God's Word and my decision to forgive set me free from bitterness.
Facing the Challenge
Jamie and I are just two of a legion of Christian women who've struggled with forgiveness because it's difficult—almost impossible—to do. Yet in Luke 6:37, Jesus says, "Forgive, and you will be forgiven." He elaborates in Matthew 6:14-15: "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." The apostle Paul repeats Jesus' command: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). Surely Paul's "whatever grievances" covers any kind of hurt, betrayal, or injury another person could inflict!
In talking with hundreds of women about forgiveness, I've discovered six myths that keep us from the healing and freedom God desires for you and me.
Myth 1:
Forgiving means the offender didn't really hurt you.Jamie thought if she forgave her father, it lessened the severity of his abuse. Yet Jamie's forgiveness doesn't deny her father hurt her. In fact, it clearly recognizes the enormity of his evil—if Jamie's dad hadn't deliberately caused her pain, she'd have no reason to forgive him.
"Forgiveness is a redemptive response to having been wronged and wounded," wrote author Lewis B. Smedes. "Only those who have wronged and wounded us are candidates for forgiveness. If they injure us accidentally, we excuse them. We only forgive the ones we blame." Choosing to forgive her father acknowledges the pain Jamie endured at his hands. It also begins her healing.
Myth 2:
Forgiving means you excuse the offender's hurtful act. When I chose to forgive my friend, I didn't condone her cruel behavior. Forgiveness, I've discovered, is a response that seeks to redeem the hurt, not brush it off. An accidental "slip of the tongue" needs no forgiveness because it isn't deliberately caused. Intentional hurts—like my friend's betrayal—need forgiveness. When I forgave my friend, my forgiveness didn't lessen the impact of her painful action. But forgiveness unlocked my own "prison" of bitterness.
Myth 3:
Before forgiving, you must first understand why the offender hurt you. On December 1, 1997, Missy Jenkins, a sophomore at Heath High School in Paducah, Kentucky, stood with her classmates and prayed before school started. Before they said their final "amen," 14-year-old Michael Carneal pulled out a pistol and fired 11 shots into the student prayer group. One bullet severely damaged Missy's spinal cord. Paralyzed from the waist down, Missy will spend her life in a wheelchair.
Missy doesn't know the reason her classmate deliberately hurt her. Michael may not understand his reasons. But that didn't keep Missy from choosing to forgive him.
"I believe hating him is wasted emotion," Missy says. "Hating Michael won't make me walk again. Besides, I know it isn't what Jesus would do."
Our human mind yearns to make all the confusing puzzle pieces fit together neatly before we forgive. However, the truth is we can forgive an offender even if we never discover the reasons for the inflicted pain. Author Philip Yancey writes in What's So Amazing About Grace, "Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong."
Myth 4:
Before forgiving the offender, you must feel forgiving. Forgiveness has nothing to do with how you feel. You can feel hurt, betrayed, and angry, and still completely forgive the one who wounded you. Biblical forgiveness is an act of the will. It's a choice you make.
Can you still feel angry after you forgive? Yes! Anger means you're in touch with reality—it's part of being human. But be careful to aim that anger at what your offender did, not at the offender herself. Then let your anger push you toward justice.
Myth 5:
Forgiving means the offender will face no consequences. When we choose to forgive someone, our forgiveness doesn't "let him off the hook." Forgiveness also doesn't mean justice shouldn't be served.
In December 1983, Pope John Paul II visited a prisoner, Mehmet Ali Agca, at the Rebibbia prison in Rome. In May 1981, Agca had aimed a pistol at the pope and shot him in the chest. After much pain and agony, John Paul recovered, and now he looked Agca in the eye, extended his hand, and said, "I forgive you."
Even though the pope forgave him, Agca still faced the consequences of his crime. He served a lengthy prison sentence until he finally was released years later.
Myth 6:
When your offender is punished, you'll find closure.On June 13, 1990, Linda Purnhagen saw her two daughters, Gracie, 16, and Tiffany, 9, for the last time. Dennis Dowthitt, a dangerously sick psychopath, strangled Tiffany to death, then raped Gracie and slit her throat. When authorities discovered the girls' bodies, they arrested and convicted Dowthitt, and scheduled his execution.
A decade later, as executioners strapped him to his death gurney, Dowthitt apologized for the savage killings. But not even his confession, apology, and execution brought closure for Linda. She was disappointed after the execution, not relieved.
We think we can more easily forgive others if they confess the crime and apologize for the pain they caused. But don't look to justice, imprisonment, or execution to bring needed closure and healing. Only forgiveness will do that.
We must rely on the Holy Spirit to impart the grace to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that we ever forget but that we do let go!
Taken from: http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/
Look Ahead!
Posted On: June 27, 2017
Moving forward is very serious in the eyes of God. I want you to get a picture in your mind of a huge grizzly bear chasing after you. You know he’s there, and he’s gaining ground. So, why in the world would you turn around to see if he’s there? Exactly, you wouldn’t. That would be the last thing on your mind because your life is at stake. Moving forward is all of a sudden a very serious matter to you. You are fearing for your life. You want to live.
Jesus said three words in Luke 17:32 “Remember Lot’s wife.” What did He mean by that? Well, in order to understand the meaning, you have to go to Genesis 19:26 to recall the account. Here’s what it said, ” But his (Lot’s) wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.” Then in Luke 9:62 Jesus said, “No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.” God wants you to keep moving forward, not looking back behind you.
There are a couple of things I want to point out to you so you can keep moving forward in the grace of God this year. First, like the grizzly, the world is ruled by the adversary, the devil. He seeks to rob from you your spiritual inheritance, to take your soul, and to destroy any good works you’ve built for the kingdom of God. The deceiver is a master at the art of deception, so he won’t appear as a mad bear, but the outcome is the same. He taunts you with all the pleasures of the world, so you will look back to what they have to offer. Secondly, notice the position of Lots wife. Her position changed her condition. She was behind Lot. She was in a place of no accountability. Lot couldn’t see her, so he could not keep her in his sight. He wasn’t able to come along side her and help keep her on track. Her unfit condition positioned her for a fall. We need to keep each other accountable. Find a mature Christian to help keep yourself moving forward and be a mentor to others.
No one has more to offer you than God. God doesn’t bring the flash to deceive and manipulate you. It’s just the opposite. You have to seek Him. You have to ask of Him. You have to knock. Her turning back spoke of an inclination to return. It’s too easy to turn back without accountability. This is another case of extreme measures for extreme times.
Corporately, God is speaking to the Church and saying it’s time to turn fully from folly and wholly serve Him. Individually, God is saying, be obedient to Him because He is the one who can give you life or take your life. Only He has the power to do that. God is a loving God, and He’s not waiting for the opportunity to turn you into a salt lick. He wants you to be passionate about Him and all that He’s done for you. However, God is a just God and all will receive accordingly. So, get excited about Him! Get excited the same way you would get excited about things you do for fun with your friends when you go to a sporting event or something. Make moving forward this year a serious matter.
If God be for us, who can be against us.
Two Steps To Getting Over The Past
Posted On: June 19, 2017
Is there something in your past causing you pain and preventing you from fully experiencing joy in the present? If you're single, maybe you're still hung up on an old flame. You have some regrets and wish you'd handled things differently. If you're in a relationship, perhaps there is an upset you can't seem to move on from. It could be anything from a fight over dinner to a betrayal of trust.
Whatever scenario you happen to be in, it's crippling you and hindering your ability to either connect with a new prospect or reconnect with your partner. People might tell you to just "move on," but you just can't. So what do you do? Well, we have a radical answer for you.
Give Up Getting Over The Past
Here's the truth - and if you really take it in, it will come as a relief:
You NEVER get over the past. Think of getting over something. You get over a challenge, or over a barrier of some sort, but the past has already happened. It's outside of your control. You can't go back and fix what happened. There's absolutely no use stewing over it. Life is filled with a million moments - some will look back on with fondness, and some wish it had never happened. This is normal. What you CAN control is how you will let the past affect you today.
And there's only one way that we really know of that works:
Step 1: Opening Up To Acceptance And Love
You get over the past when you open your heart to it, the moment you accept it as is - the moment you say:
"Ok, that happened. And this is happening now."
There are some verbs that are especially useful in doing this:
Including and welcoming the past.
Until you've included the past and embraced it, you can't put your focus on what you want.
The moment you let go of the past is the moment you love it as it is. Because it's already happened and there's nothing you can do about it in the present.
So give it a drop of love and love yourself for however you feel about it.
Feel remorseful about your past actions? Love yourself for it.
Feel pathetic that you wasted so much time on a situation you can't do anything about? Love yourself for that, too.
When you do this, you become present, so you can create the relationships you want now - both with yourself and with others.
Step 2: Setting New, Positive Intentions
When you accept the past as it is, then the next important step is:
"Ok, NOW what do I want?" When you put attention and actions into what you want to create now - despite what your past is - you can create the relationship future that you really want. Suddenly, the past is no longer a burden for you, but a springboard. What has held you down for so long can now be channeled into something completely new.
Your future is created one new choice at a time!
Tribute To My Dad
Posted On: June 15, 2017
A Tribute for my Father - a Great Leader a Greater Dad
By Victoria Knight Eachus
I miss my Dad. June 16, 2007 my father, Cecil B. Knight went home to Heaven. The next day was Father’s Day. To me it was fitting that the Lord allowed Dad to go then. Of course we always celebrated Father’s Day before but now it seems to be set apart as not only a special day but a sacred day. Because it falls on or close to Dad’s birthday into heaven, Father’s Day now has a depth of meaning beyond Hallmark wishes and a gift card to Home Depot.
I miss my Dad. You may have known him. He was a great leader in our church. He was one of the last great Churchmen. Evangelist, Pastor, National Youth Leader, State Overseer, General Overseer, Educator, Seminary President. 23consecutive years serving on the Executive Council, 14 years on the Executive Committee, 13 years as President of the Pentecostal Theological Seminary (Church of God School of Theology back in the day). Oh my, the long list of accolades I could give. But I am compelled to give tribute to him as Dad…. His favorite title and the highest office he held was that of husband and father and grandfather…Dad and Papa.
I miss my Dad. But I take such delight in hearing people share how he touched their lives. So often I encounter people literally from around the world that have a story about my Dad and how the Lord used him to make a significant difference in their lives. I then love to tell them about what a remarkable Dad and Papa he was too. I would often smile when I would see the Conference Table of the Seminary; reserved for the Board of Directors and very important meetings. To us it was where grandchildren would crawl around hiding, waiting for their Papa to turn the lights out and try to scare them. To many the Executive Council room was an awesome place where global decisions were made…..well to his grandchildren is an awesome place for hide and seek and connecting with a man who instilled in them the confidence to change the globe themselves.
I miss my Dad. One of His favorite scriptures was 3John1:4, especially when communicated in the context of his family….”I have no greater joy that to hear my children walk in the Truth”. In his last weeks of life I was privileged to spend most days with him. During these precious priceless days he shared with me that his most significant achievement was teaching us the Doctrine of the Priesthood of the Family.
Oh you won’t find much about it in a book or a thesis or dissertation or even a video series. I’ve looked. But my Dad lived it out every day with each of us. He lived it out around the dinner table; he lived it out in the car taking his grand sons and great grandson to school every day. He lived it out during shopping sprees at JC Penney’s and family vacations in Panama City. He lived it out at ball games and birthday parties and graduations and at church and at home. He was the unconditional love of Christ to us every day.
I miss my Dad. I miss my phone ringing and hearing him say, “I’m at Cooke’s. Have the kids had vegetables today? Do need anything from the store?” I miss unlocking my front door before 7am every morning for his visit. Without fail every morning before the sun he would spend time with Dewayne, my brother. Following this he would stop by my house to help our family begin our day aware of and saturated with God’s love.
I miss the crazy laugh he laughed with the grandchildren. I miss the duck sound he could make with his throat. I miss seeing him give the Winston Churchill victory sign (that is a peace sign for you too young to recall the Winston Churchill victory sign). I miss the strength of his hands. I miss having him at Sunday lunch. I miss his wisdom. I miss his prayers. I miss his time. I miss the sound of his voice and the smell of his cologne and the shuffle of his step and the love in his eyes.
I miss seeing how many times he’ll go to Publix in Panama City (each day)
I miss hot foot (it’s a game probably only the Knight family could understand)
I miss hearing the rustling of grocery bags as he came into my house; bags full of grape juice, chicken Vienna sausages, and a plethora of chips.
I miss coming home and discovering he had been there to sneak a Red Bull in my fridge – one of my indulgences with four small children. Can you imagine Cecil Knight even buying a Red Bull at the Conoco?
I miss the excitement he had when he knew we would all be around the dinner table. It was palpable. It was joy and delight and peace all rolled up into one energetic ball. He expressed it by frying more okra than you can imagine!
I miss the pride and joy in his eyes when he would listen and watch us there, eating his okra and sharing our lives.
I miss his stories
I miss watching him with my children.
I miss a thousand other things.
I miss my Dad. He knew my flaws and failures and secret struggles yet he constantly encouraged me in my strengths, always pointing me toward Christ, always loving me unconditionally. He accepted me, yet always challenged me to a higher standard and a deeper walk with God. No matter what wrong choice I made, no matter what the failure or disappointment, he stood beside me. If he wasn’t standing beside me, then he was out in front protecting me or making a way for me. If we wasn’t beside me or in front of me, then he was holding me, comforting me. You know, just like Abba Father does. No matter what I faced, no matter the consequence, or shame, or price to be paid, Dad walked the road with me.
Dad loved the Braves. He watched them faithfully, win or lose. I’d love to hear him get so disgusted with them. He’d moan and groan about their losses. He’d call his baby sister Annie, who loved the Braves too and ask her if she was watching. No matter how bad the loss, he’d be watching the next game. He liked their coach Bobby Cox. Bobby Cox never let a player get questioned or even thrown out of a game ALONE. If one of his players questioned. Mistreated, or given a bad call here comes Bobby….defending the player to the point of getting thrown out. That’s my Dad. If one of his children was going to get thrown out, knocked down, pushed away, or face some other difficult situation, then he is going to go through it with us, never to let us walk it alone. Never defending our wrong or our sin, but ferociously defending the son or the daughter.
May I challenge you fathers to live out the doctrine of the priesthood of the family. Live it out with time and prayer and integrity and communication and love and laughter and God’s word. And you too will be able to declare “I have no greater joy that to hear my children walk in the Truth”.
Yes I miss my Dad. But thanks to his love and instruction, I can embrace the Love of my Heavenly Father, who is the God of all Comfort. How great is His Love! My prayer this Father’s Day is the same prayer my Dad prayed in the last weeks of his life. “I pray for renewal and revival in my family” Won’t you make it your prayer too.
This article is an adaptation and from a larger body of writings about life as a Pentecostal preacher’s kid.
Victoria Knight Eachus and her husband Michael live in Cleveland, Tennessee with their four children Caleb, Seth, Elizabeth, and Miriam.
The family worships at the North Cleveland Church of God
Victoria currently works at Lee University in the Office of Church Relations
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Now Faith
Posted On: June 07, 2017
"Now" is defined as where we are living now, the immediate, the present moment. So Now means Now! Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The first thing we need to understand about faith is that it is NOW! Not the past nor the future but right NOW we need to have faith.
When I walked into the coffee shop this morning I had NOW faith. I went to sit down on a chair and trusted that as I sat down, right then, the chair would hold me up. I didn't stand there looking at the chair wondering if it would keep me up or if it might take a few more minutes to get ready to hold me up, no I knew right then, NOW, that it was built to hold me up. I had faith in the chair. Faith simply defined is complete trust in something or someone. So if we have NOW faith in the chair we sit in today, why don't we have faith in God.
Todays focus on faith is the word NOW so let us answer the NOW question. Our society has become what I call a "drive through" generation. In most parts of the world we have instant gratification. While sitting at this same coffee shop I saw a little girl about 4 years old pitching a fit because she wasn't getting her food NOW!! So what did her grandfather do? Instead of administering discipline to teach the child that she has to wait a minute, the grandfather tried all kinds of different antics to get her to calm down. Of course they didn't work!!
We struggle with NOW faith because we can't see or feel the God that we are suppose to have faith in and many times His plan is to make us into His vessel of honor not give us everything we want right NOW. God knows and sees everything and He has a plan. But the paradox is that He wants us to have NOW faith. Believe right NOW for the things we cannot see. So today just take a minute and tell God, I believe NOW that you have everything under control and continue to follow this teaching on Faith to learn more.
If you need to accept Jesus Christ in your life today, click here and get started on your journey in faith!
Forgiven People Forgive People
Posted On: June 05, 2017
We do not have to look very long at Matthew 18 in order to see the logic flow that takes place. It starts with the disciples asking a question, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:1)? There are other moments in the Gospels when similar arguments from the disciples illicit a strong rebuke from Jesus. However, this time is different. Perhaps the disciples were not completely self-serving in the question this time. After all, in the previous chapter the disciples witnessed the transfiguration of Jesus, the healing of a demon-possessed boy, Jesus’ prediction of His resurrection and money miraculously harvested from the belly of a fish. Perhaps the disciples realized it was time to get themselves in order.
Nonetheless, even if the question was not completely self-serving, it was still misguided. That is why the question caused Jesus to think about their need to humble themselves (vv. 2-5). Discussing humility caused Him to think of the ones who fail to humble themselves, and in so doing create stumbling blocks (vv. 6-9). Discussing stumbling blocks reminded Jesus that some of the “little ones” (micros, or opposite of the “greatest” mega) would wander off, and how happy His Father is when one of them is found (vv. 10-14). Discussing wandering sheep reminded Him that He expects His disciples to go and find such sheep. So, He laid out a restoration roadmap for confronting sin and restoring individuals to right relationship (vv. 15-20).
This seems to conclude Jesus’ teaching. He had sufficiently answered the question that the disciples raised. The only problem was that Jesus’ answer had caused a new question in one of the disciples. The logic flow of Jesus had bumped into some logic flow of Peter. He began to think about the implications of what Jesus was saying. Perhaps he began to think of some people who had sinned against him in the past. Maybe he had reluctantly forgiven them, only to watch them turn around and do it again. Knowing Peter, his patience would have been wearing thin. He understood that Jesus expected His disciples to extend mercy and forgiveness to a repentant brother or sister. But surely this had some limits? Even God draws the line somewhere. Right?
So, Peter had to get some clarification. He approached Jesus with a new question, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times” (Matthew 18:21)? Jesus responded with this, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven” (v. 22). My first response to those words is something like this, “That’s 490 times. Wow! Peter doesn’t get it. I mean, 490 times is a lot more than 7 times.” But the response is not meant to make us realize that Jesus expects us to forgive a lot more times. Instead, it is intended to make us realize that there really is no limit. As long as someone continues to recognize their fault and take responsibility for it we are to continue to extend grace and mercy.
In order to illustrate the point Jesus then told a parable. In the parable a king was settling his accounts. One man owed him an amount equivalent to an entire life’s worth of wages. Essentially this man owed his life, and it was more than he could ever pay. The king ordered all that this man had be liquidated in order to pay the debt. The man begged for forgiveness and the king had pity on him and cancelled the entire debt. Despite this incredible act of grace the man turned around and found another man who owed him an amount equivalent to a couple of months wages. Instead of showing the same kind of mercy that he had received from the king the forgiven man choked the other man, demanded repayment, and then had him thrown in prison. When the king heard about it he brought the forgiven man back in, rebuked him, and had him thrown into prison until he could pay back all that he owed, which would essentially be the rest of his life. Then Jesus says, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).
There is a saying that goes like this: Hurt people hurt people. It is a truth that plays out repeatedly throughout the Scripture. However, Jesus has a new expectation for those that will follow Him. His new saying goes like this: Forgiven people forgive people. When we hear the parable that Jesus tells Peter something automatically rises up within us at the overwhelming injustice of it. The story is so appalling that it is almost hard to stomach. That is exactly the response that Jesus is trying to invoke in us. Because that is a picture of how grotesque our failure to forgive others looks from the perspective of heaven. We owe a debt to God that is more than we could ever pay back. While God could demand our punishment, He instead has pity on us and declares our debt cancelled. Even the worst offenses on earth that we inflict on one another are pennies compared to the debt we owe God. He is glad to cancel our debts. However, he demands that we spend the rest of our lives extending that same type of forgiveness to others.
Written by Jonathan Stone of www.stonewritten.com
